HOLY CATS AND DAWGS

So I havent written anything in a while, or even come on the website. Probably because Rick and I broke up two days after my last post and I didn't want to think about or read any of the old posts about how amazing he was or how much I loved him. I still talk to him everyday, but he says we're not getting back together. Im just trying to take it easy and see where things go. He's said that about other people too, and look what happened with that. I feel like I shouldn't want to be with him, and honestly, I dont know if I could be after everything that's happened. But I do know that when Im with him is when I feel the most right in the world and where I am, and I only see him like once a month or every three weeks. And it's only for sex and I have to sneak over there and then it's not like we hang out much before, it's a little bit of talking about shit and then get down to business. I just miss him so much. I talk to him every day and I miss him so much. What is wrong with me? Ive never been like this with anyone before, and I know I need to get over it and move on, cuz even if we could work things out, my family and friends would ex-communicate me if I dated him again...I dont know what to do. I miss the cuddly-bear face snuggling and watching movies with him, and just simple things like talking about where we came from and if we like coffee or not. I was looking at his old myspace profile tonight and reading the answers on his survey and realised that they're pretty much all the same answers that I put. It really was a relationship of bed timing. We liked each other, we were attracted to each other, but he wasnt ready cuz he wasnt over Rachel yet. I feel like if we hadnt tried before, and we started to try now, things would work out better. But now there is so much behind us, and clogging things up and complicating our relationship...its just a mess now, I guess. Plus, I look at things like, if such and such happens, then we can never go back. Very catastrophic thinking. Example: If he were to get a new gf, then he would never talk to me again or if he did, it wouldnt matter, cuz he would love her and they would get married. I'm obviously delusional, but I cant help it, its just the way I think.

Weddings Aren't Always Amazing

So I found out last month that my sister is getting engaged after only 2 months of knowing the guy. And trying to be a good sister and daughter, I flew down to Florida for her wedding, even though I don't have the money and I was just down here and Im missing part of the week before finals week. It was my mom's first flight and I wanted her to know she had support behind her. So I got up at 4:30 am and got on a plane with her and had panic attacks the whole way up. Then we got here and had to drive 2 hours to my sister's house, where once we got there, we had to wait for her fiancee to show up to let us in, because no one was home. Then I drank this nasty sangria. And then listened to my stepdad and everyone else talk about how much my sisters mom sucks. Then the guys got a bunch of food and prepared it and we drove out to her fiancees parents farm, cuz he wanted to show us "the REAL Florida country".Turns out it looks just like northern MN white trash, complete with couches in the front yard.

So while we were there, we met his southern type family. I used to think I wanted to marry a southern boy and live a southern life. NOT ANYMORE. I couldnt take it. So he offered to take us on a walk and show us the blueberry fields and the cows. Now dont get me wrong, I'm a nature girl, I love being outside, I love being around animals, getting dirty, learning new things, horseback riding, whatever. But on this walk out to the cows, whom I fed, which was really cool, I was attacked by fire ants. They bit my feet, my toes, and my legs, and.it.burned.

So we went inside, after brushing off all the evil ants, and rinsing off my feet while I watched them swell and turn red, and started cooking food. Problem is, we were grilling shishkabobs and the grill didnt work. It took two hours to cook the food, and then the 2 families seperated in different rooms to eat. After dinner, my sister and her fiancee got in a fight and then she left us out in bum-fuck-no-wheres-ville, to go to her bachelorette party. We had to drive back an hour with no clue how to get there. When we finally did get there, we once again didnt have keys and couldnt get in. Paul then got out of the truck, whilst drunk and began to take pictures of everything. In the dark. He was gone for about 10 minutes when we realised we had no clue where he wasm and my mom and i were just sitting in our orange suv pimp-mobile. Once we were inside, my new brother in law sat up with me and had a H2H, which wasnt all bad.

I passed out on the couch aka my bed until 9 am when I was awoken by my stepdad taking pictures of us sleeping. He said he wanted to be out of the house and on the road to our hotel by 10 am, and we didnt leave until close to 2 pm. WTF. Then my sister showed up with my neice, and we got to hang out on the beach for a few hours and just drink, play in the sand, lay in the sun, and try to chase off the birds who we accidentally fed and therefore they wouldnt leave us alone. Rob got pooped on. Cali had an accident and peed on my towel. She has a UTI so I cant really blame her.
After cleaning up, we went out to eat at Bubba Gump Shrimp, even though both Cali and I are allergic to shellfish. SWEET. We figured oh well, we'll figure it out.

We sat on the patio and told them we had allergies, and ordered stuff we could eat. Another small problem: my stepdad got a seafood platter and was splashing seafood juice and cracking all his shells on me. I got lobster goo sprayed on my neck and it broke out in hives and was itching all night. They covered my face and the wedding is tomorrow. He then proceeded to eat the food off my plate, and touch it with his shrimp hands. Well, now it's been contaminated with the shellfish curse, and I cant eat it. MOTHERFUCKING FANTASTIC. Then he engaged our server in a conversation about the servers band, as if he would ever go see them, and help up the party behind us that was going to sit at our table another 20 minutes. Luckily, since I didnt eat anything, and was pissed by this time, I had gotten a large drink that cost $10. It was delicious and I got to keep the cup. My saving grace was my Cali bug who was keeping me busy and distracting me and keeping my spirits up.

We finally get back to our hotel room, and I pull out the couch Im sleeping on, and guess what? NO SHEETS. So here I am...I'm trying to stay positive and not ruin everyone else's good time. But it seems everywhere I turn my patience is being tested. REALLY tested. If you have any words of wisdom for me, let me know. Please, help me out here. 2 days left.

My STI thoughts...

Should people with STDs always tell their partners? What if they are reasonably sure they are not infectious? What responsibility do people who have STDs have to their partners? How about their ex- partners?
• As a person with an STD, this question is easier to answer when you’re not infected, or don’t have an STI. It’s easy to say that yes, people with STIs should always tell their partners, even if they’re sure they aren’t infectious. But in reality, that is so much harder to do than one might think. I found out this summer that I have type 1 genital herpes, and was kind of dating someone from work at the time. Once I told him, he stopped talking to me and pretty soon everyone at work knew. The guy had hurt me, and I was really upset that something like a disease could make or break a relationship, although I recognized that even though it was the first time I would be rejected for my virus, it certainly wouldn’t be the last. I took the opportunity to be a spokesperson for the subject and am very open about it to anyone I work with who asks. However, I haven’t been able to be so open with everyone I know. Most of my close friends know, but only a couple of my newer friends know, and I waited until after I had slept with my current boyfriend to tell him. The night I told him, I hadn’t planned on telling him so soon, but felt that it was important for him to know, since we were doing things that would allow him to contract it from me. I was soooo scared to tell him, and I cried for hours, not because I was really really into the guy and afraid of losing him, although that was a part of it, but more so because I knew that it would be so easy for him to reject me and blame it on Herpes. Luckily, he was amazing and took it very well. He took a deep breath, and said, “Alright, so I learn about it, I protect myself, and we go on. I’m not leaving you because of Herpes”. We weren’t even dating yet, and it was more than I could ask for. Finding out I had herpes was one of the hardest days of my life, and it changes everything. You have to make a decision whether to tell people, and what doing so could mean for you and your friendships, relationships, and family. Luckily, I have family and friends who are all very supportive and understood how hard it is to live with a disease that most people consider to be something only “dirty, slutty, promiscuous, nympho” girls get. I decided that it was my job to try to break down some of those barriers. I was never that kind of girl, and never will be, especially now that I have to live with a life-long virus that is very communicable. I think that if the STI is something viral or lethal, like Herpes, Hepatitis, or HIV/AIDS, then it’s important for your sexual partners to know. If it’s bacterial, and has been taken care of, like Chlamydia or Gonorrhea, then it’s not as important. People with STIs have the responsibility to their partners to keep them safe. Tell them when you’re having an outbreak; teach about your virus/infection/disease. Answer their questions, and be open about talking to them. Think about how you felt when you were diagnosed, and how unless you really dislike someone, you wouldn’t wish that on anyone else. So why not protect your partner? You don’t want them to be in the same place you are. Explain to them what to look for, and what to do if they feel like anything isn’t right. WEAR A CONDOM OR DENTAL DAM! It’s not that hard, and it could be something that will save a life. Or maybe just not change someone’s in a negative way. In terms of ex partners, if the person with the STI can pinpoint where/who they got it from, then you don’t have to tell your partners before that person. However, if you can’t, or if you’ve been with people since that person who made you sick, then you need to tell them, so that they can go get tested and make sure they’re ok.

ZOIE

I almost forgot! My new niece was born! Her name is Zoie Louise, and she was born via C-Section at 5:28 a.m. on March 1st, 2009. She is gorgeous, and kind of looks like a little eskimo baby :)

Cape Coral

So Im on vacay in Cape Coral, FL with Rick at his grandpas house. So far, its been really relaxing. I didnt even have a panic attack on the plane. I kinda freaked out a little bit, but no full blown panic attack :) I can't even describe how amazing that feels. I just re-read my last blog and realised how negative it was.
Things with Rick are amazing, and Im so excited we got to come down here today. He mentioned today how quickly he asked me to come with to FL, and how crazy that was, and I said the same thing. But it wasnt in a bad way. Its like, I just liked you so much, I knew it would be good.

Yesterday we went out to lunch, took kind of a nap, laid around and read by the pool, had dinner (gpa had a picnic-bbq'd chicken, potato salad, and broccoli) then hung around some more and just relaxed and had a lazy day. Today we went swimming, went to best buy (he's working on gpas computer) came back, worked on the computer some, went out to get food and ended up coming back with margarita mix and no food, grilled steaks and mashed potatos, and then gorged ourselves, lol. Then we went swimming again (complete with sex in the pool) and are relaxing/reading til bedtime. I think tomorrow we're going out on the boat, and sometime this week we're going to the beach. Friday is the flea market, Saturday is the twins game, we leave late monday and head back to minnesota and st cloud.



Things with my room mates are ALOT better. I talked to L and found out why she was upset and have been working on it, and it seems like she has too. I talked to R and things only have become more heated, at least on my end, but I think she has been doing better in regards to me. With D, things were never bad, lol, but we have bonded over complaining about R. So that's a plus. I'm just trying harder to spend time with L and make sure that we're on the same page with things. I love her, and wouldn't want anything to change that. IDK where I'd be without her in my college life.

Im so happy and relaxed down here, I think I need to move. Or at least just give myself time away from work and school and go somewhere warm. I think the snow and cold makes me rigid. I havent been able to say a single bad thing down here, about my mood or anyone else's. Except the bitch who yelled at me for cutting in line at the airport bathroom. EXCUSE ME, Ive been up all night, and I didn't know that you sitting with your fucking open suitcase in the middle of the entryway constituted a line. wench. I hope she fell down.

But aside from that, I cant complain. My bf is amazing, my roomie relationships are getting better, im actually focusing on school now, and work is pretty good. Messed up in some areas, but pretty good.

I still dont know what to do about this summer, whether I should stay in St Cloud or go back to the cities. I want to make it worth my time to be in St Cloud, and take some classes, but I dont know what classes are offered yet. I might think about taking some nursing classes, or possibly some classes to finish off my minor and then just worry about my major next year. It would be awesome if I could take my anatomy class this summer, but Ill have to see. I just really hate school right now. It just sucks. I wanna be done, ya know? Not even graduate, just be done, and go lay around and do nothing. My brain is fryed lately.

I should head out though, Im getting kinda tired and wanna read some of this book Im reading...

Anyway, to contrast my last post, I'm really not that unhappy anymore. I think I was just in a funk that day. Im happy with where I am in life, who I am, and what's going on. PS...he's getting closer to the 'L' word. Today he kept doing things and then they were "love taps, love flicks, love...etc". Then I said, Oh you love me now? And he said "uh huh". So he's agreeing to it, but hasn't actually said it yet. That's ok, I love him too. :)

Feeling Funky

THIS IS CALI, MY MOST AMAZING LITTLE NIECE IN THE WORLD, AND MY BIG SISTER ASHME!!! I MISS THEM :(
So lately Ive been thinking about how unhappy I am with my life. I just pretend that Im happy with it. But Rick was in a funk today so I had to try to be really excited so that I wasnt such a downer when I was with him.
I ont even know what Im unhappy with...just life in general I guess. I'm sick of school, but I know that it I were graduating, I wouldnt be happy either, because I don't want to go out and get a real job. I still like my major, but there's one class in particular that I absolutely hate more than I hate when people leave things on the midle spinney thing in the washing machine, and I don't know what to do about the class other than skip it. Which obviously isn't a good solution, because then I'm embarrassed to go back and think the professor will just yell at me. Which he probably will. I've been emailing him, but he hasn't gotten back to me. Maybe I should just drop the class. IDK what to do.
Work has been fun, but I'm almost starting to get bored with it, because it's the same thing every single time I'm there. Somebody is stupid and pisses me off, some other people absolutely make my day, I don't make any money (in terms of serving, which really is more money than alot of people make) and then I go home suuuuuuuuper tired and exhausted and have to get ready for another week of school and do it all over again. I love my job, and I love the people I work with, but there's something about it that needs to change.
I guess I miss people at home, but when I'm at home, i wanna be back in St Cloud more than anything else, which makes no sense. My body needs ot decide where it wants to be.
My panic attacks have been coming back more and worse lately, which makes me wanna scream. On top of them coming back, I have to get on a pane in 13 days, and am considering calling for some Xanax or something so that I dont freak out and hyperventilate/pass out/puke on the plane again. That's always fun.
I miss my niece, and can't wait for my new niece to come- one more week! (Hopefully...)
My room mates all seem on edge, and I cant help but think that it has something to do with me and Rick, which would really suck, but I dont wanna bring it up, cuz they'll go beserk on me again, and how I shouldnt be with him, he's a piece of shit, etc. and I'm soooo fucking sick of hearing that. Honestly, I know how he is, and Im dealing with it. If it gets too bad, then Im out. But Im not gonna let myself be pushed around like I did in the past, and they fail to see that I learned from those experiences and take them with me everyday. It's just so frustrating.
I think more than anything, the whole situation with him is what is stressing me out and making me feel the way I do. IDK why, but its like, I just always feel a little tense when im away from him.
I just need a change. I bought a fish tonight, but that's not doing it. Mostly I felt bad for the fish, not so much that I wanted one, or that I thought it would help me feel better. I know getting another piercing or tat wouldn't help in this situation either, I can just feel it.
Anyway, I gotta go, I'm gonna work on a paper or something else constructive. Peace.

So I've Been Thinking

So lately things with Rick went downhill on Friday, and now theyre ok again. Everytime I'm with him, I just feel right. I feel like that's where I belong. I belong in his arms and when I kiss him, it feels like I should have been kissing him these past three years instead of being single. Every time I see him, I still get butterflies, and I get nervous when I do something new around him.
It scares me sometimes how fast I let myself get sooo attached to him. I continually led guys on and when someone was interested in me, I would find a way to get rid of them. When I was interested in someone, I always did shit that would push them away. I knew it would push them away and I still did it. I think subconsciously I knew it wouldn't work out, or that I really wasn't that into them. And yet, then this guy comes along, probably the only guy I SHOULD have stayed away from, and I let myself fall for him. Every day I wanna do something that will make him smile and remember how much he wants me, and when we have perfect days, when we can't stop smiling and laughing and can't keep our hands off each other, I fall asleep so happy that I had that day in my life. I feel better for knowing him, and for finding someone as understanding and kind as he is and can be (when he wants). He accepts me who I am, and I'm glad that he's the one person that I can let in past my walls. That's really a big deal for me. For the past three years, I havent let anyone in. And for some reason, when I was least trying, he got in. And I'm glad he did. :)
But I'm still scared a little ;)