ZOIE

I almost forgot! My new niece was born! Her name is Zoie Louise, and she was born via C-Section at 5:28 a.m. on March 1st, 2009. She is gorgeous, and kind of looks like a little eskimo baby :)

Cape Coral

So Im on vacay in Cape Coral, FL with Rick at his grandpas house. So far, its been really relaxing. I didnt even have a panic attack on the plane. I kinda freaked out a little bit, but no full blown panic attack :) I can't even describe how amazing that feels. I just re-read my last blog and realised how negative it was.
Things with Rick are amazing, and Im so excited we got to come down here today. He mentioned today how quickly he asked me to come with to FL, and how crazy that was, and I said the same thing. But it wasnt in a bad way. Its like, I just liked you so much, I knew it would be good.

Yesterday we went out to lunch, took kind of a nap, laid around and read by the pool, had dinner (gpa had a picnic-bbq'd chicken, potato salad, and broccoli) then hung around some more and just relaxed and had a lazy day. Today we went swimming, went to best buy (he's working on gpas computer) came back, worked on the computer some, went out to get food and ended up coming back with margarita mix and no food, grilled steaks and mashed potatos, and then gorged ourselves, lol. Then we went swimming again (complete with sex in the pool) and are relaxing/reading til bedtime. I think tomorrow we're going out on the boat, and sometime this week we're going to the beach. Friday is the flea market, Saturday is the twins game, we leave late monday and head back to minnesota and st cloud.



Things with my room mates are ALOT better. I talked to L and found out why she was upset and have been working on it, and it seems like she has too. I talked to R and things only have become more heated, at least on my end, but I think she has been doing better in regards to me. With D, things were never bad, lol, but we have bonded over complaining about R. So that's a plus. I'm just trying harder to spend time with L and make sure that we're on the same page with things. I love her, and wouldn't want anything to change that. IDK where I'd be without her in my college life.

Im so happy and relaxed down here, I think I need to move. Or at least just give myself time away from work and school and go somewhere warm. I think the snow and cold makes me rigid. I havent been able to say a single bad thing down here, about my mood or anyone else's. Except the bitch who yelled at me for cutting in line at the airport bathroom. EXCUSE ME, Ive been up all night, and I didn't know that you sitting with your fucking open suitcase in the middle of the entryway constituted a line. wench. I hope she fell down.

But aside from that, I cant complain. My bf is amazing, my roomie relationships are getting better, im actually focusing on school now, and work is pretty good. Messed up in some areas, but pretty good.

I still dont know what to do about this summer, whether I should stay in St Cloud or go back to the cities. I want to make it worth my time to be in St Cloud, and take some classes, but I dont know what classes are offered yet. I might think about taking some nursing classes, or possibly some classes to finish off my minor and then just worry about my major next year. It would be awesome if I could take my anatomy class this summer, but Ill have to see. I just really hate school right now. It just sucks. I wanna be done, ya know? Not even graduate, just be done, and go lay around and do nothing. My brain is fryed lately.

I should head out though, Im getting kinda tired and wanna read some of this book Im reading...

Anyway, to contrast my last post, I'm really not that unhappy anymore. I think I was just in a funk that day. Im happy with where I am in life, who I am, and what's going on. PS...he's getting closer to the 'L' word. Today he kept doing things and then they were "love taps, love flicks, love...etc". Then I said, Oh you love me now? And he said "uh huh". So he's agreeing to it, but hasn't actually said it yet. That's ok, I love him too. :)

Feeling Funky

THIS IS CALI, MY MOST AMAZING LITTLE NIECE IN THE WORLD, AND MY BIG SISTER ASHME!!! I MISS THEM :(
So lately Ive been thinking about how unhappy I am with my life. I just pretend that Im happy with it. But Rick was in a funk today so I had to try to be really excited so that I wasnt such a downer when I was with him.
I ont even know what Im unhappy with...just life in general I guess. I'm sick of school, but I know that it I were graduating, I wouldnt be happy either, because I don't want to go out and get a real job. I still like my major, but there's one class in particular that I absolutely hate more than I hate when people leave things on the midle spinney thing in the washing machine, and I don't know what to do about the class other than skip it. Which obviously isn't a good solution, because then I'm embarrassed to go back and think the professor will just yell at me. Which he probably will. I've been emailing him, but he hasn't gotten back to me. Maybe I should just drop the class. IDK what to do.
Work has been fun, but I'm almost starting to get bored with it, because it's the same thing every single time I'm there. Somebody is stupid and pisses me off, some other people absolutely make my day, I don't make any money (in terms of serving, which really is more money than alot of people make) and then I go home suuuuuuuuper tired and exhausted and have to get ready for another week of school and do it all over again. I love my job, and I love the people I work with, but there's something about it that needs to change.
I guess I miss people at home, but when I'm at home, i wanna be back in St Cloud more than anything else, which makes no sense. My body needs ot decide where it wants to be.
My panic attacks have been coming back more and worse lately, which makes me wanna scream. On top of them coming back, I have to get on a pane in 13 days, and am considering calling for some Xanax or something so that I dont freak out and hyperventilate/pass out/puke on the plane again. That's always fun.
I miss my niece, and can't wait for my new niece to come- one more week! (Hopefully...)
My room mates all seem on edge, and I cant help but think that it has something to do with me and Rick, which would really suck, but I dont wanna bring it up, cuz they'll go beserk on me again, and how I shouldnt be with him, he's a piece of shit, etc. and I'm soooo fucking sick of hearing that. Honestly, I know how he is, and Im dealing with it. If it gets too bad, then Im out. But Im not gonna let myself be pushed around like I did in the past, and they fail to see that I learned from those experiences and take them with me everyday. It's just so frustrating.
I think more than anything, the whole situation with him is what is stressing me out and making me feel the way I do. IDK why, but its like, I just always feel a little tense when im away from him.
I just need a change. I bought a fish tonight, but that's not doing it. Mostly I felt bad for the fish, not so much that I wanted one, or that I thought it would help me feel better. I know getting another piercing or tat wouldn't help in this situation either, I can just feel it.
Anyway, I gotta go, I'm gonna work on a paper or something else constructive. Peace.

So I've Been Thinking

So lately things with Rick went downhill on Friday, and now theyre ok again. Everytime I'm with him, I just feel right. I feel like that's where I belong. I belong in his arms and when I kiss him, it feels like I should have been kissing him these past three years instead of being single. Every time I see him, I still get butterflies, and I get nervous when I do something new around him.
It scares me sometimes how fast I let myself get sooo attached to him. I continually led guys on and when someone was interested in me, I would find a way to get rid of them. When I was interested in someone, I always did shit that would push them away. I knew it would push them away and I still did it. I think subconsciously I knew it wouldn't work out, or that I really wasn't that into them. And yet, then this guy comes along, probably the only guy I SHOULD have stayed away from, and I let myself fall for him. Every day I wanna do something that will make him smile and remember how much he wants me, and when we have perfect days, when we can't stop smiling and laughing and can't keep our hands off each other, I fall asleep so happy that I had that day in my life. I feel better for knowing him, and for finding someone as understanding and kind as he is and can be (when he wants). He accepts me who I am, and I'm glad that he's the one person that I can let in past my walls. That's really a big deal for me. For the past three years, I havent let anyone in. And for some reason, when I was least trying, he got in. And I'm glad he did. :)
But I'm still scared a little ;)

Wisdom Teeth

So on Friday I got my wisdom teeth out. I was scared for my life, at least the first time I went in (and the doctor wasnt there, so I had to leave and come back another day). It actually wasnt as bad as I thought it would be. Three of my teeth feel absolutely fine, like nothing even happened to them, and one is really sore. I'm kinda worried about dry socket, but I read that ony 3-5% of people with extractions get dry socket. So hopefully I'm not one of them. But I guess on that tooth, they had to go in and take out a bunch of bone and cut through tooth and stuff, so it makes sense that that one hurts more than the other ones. It's just frustrating cuz I'm soooo ready to eat real food, and I feel like I could, if not for this one hole that hurts like a bitch. And obviously it's only been three days, so I couldnt really eat much of anything anyway. It's just soooo frustrating for me cuz I HATE sitting inside and I HATE not being able to do what I want and eat what I want, and I can't, and it's driving me nuts. It's like, all I want is a salad. But I can't have one. And if i could have one, then I probably wouldnt want one. But i cant have one, so I want it. NOW.
My anatomy class is going to kill me, so I should go and work on it. Peace out.

Back to School!

So we're back at school. YUCK. My Mondays and Wednesdays are killer, along with this kicking headache I'm currently having from my wisdom teeth. I was supposed to get them out last Wednesday, and the doctor didnt show, along with a bunch of other issues, so now I have one more week left to wait until I can rip them out. I hate them, they hurt so bad. And to top that off, my bf is going to be down in the cities with his ex (h.b.) for her birthday when im getting them out, and that bothers me some. Its hard to trust him after finding out he fucked her after me, but I gotta just believe he'll control himself. :( I'm ready to go somewhere warm already. It's so effing cold out, its in the -30's. Joyous occasion. Dude, fuck that noise. As soon as I get my teeth out, life will be much better. And once I'm on the plane to Florida, that will help too. Well, once we're in the air. Cuz flying scares the shit outta me. balls. alright, i gotta shower and study for my Anatomy quiz tomorrow.

BUZZKILL

Alright, I writing in my journal and decided I had to put this out there in cyberspace for anyone who is willing to read it. Rachel (my now ex-roommate who's ex is now my boyfriend) keeps telling me that her and Rick (my bf, her ex) have been sleeping together, and wants to know if she should go get tested. Except the list of nights she gave me - I was either at his house with him or talked to him til we fell asleep, so there goes her story. What a fucking psychopath. I tried to be nice to her and tried to keep things kosher, but after all this, i sooo wanna just throw everything in her face. How she is crazy and that's why she doesn't have any friends. How she's a spoiled little brat and she sucks at giving head, and I've been fucking Rick since Halloween, and she can eat a dick if she thinks she needs to go get tested. How we're dating and actually care about each other, and I'm going to Florida with him this spring- NOT HER. And how the picture on them on his desk has been replaced by a picture of him and I, and he dumped out the piggy bank that says "Rachel's Ring Fund" and uses the Coors Light can bank I gave him. He is slowly but surely making smaller spaces for her and larger and greater spaces for me in his life. I really wish I could tell her all that. And that he constantly points out where they/she went wrong in the relationship, and I strive not to exactly those things so that I'm as different and far away from her as possible so that our relationship works. And that cat he got? He got it as a surprise for me. So shut the fuck up and get. out. of. out. lives. FOREVER.
So anyway, that's my current feeling on that. Basically I know that by writing this here, only L and maybe one other person (a complete stranger Im sure) will ever see it. And since I wanted her to read this anyway, this is perfect. I hope she finds this someday and gets it the fuck through her head that breaking up means leaving the other one the fuck alone. Peace.