Feeling Funky

THIS IS CALI, MY MOST AMAZING LITTLE NIECE IN THE WORLD, AND MY BIG SISTER ASHME!!! I MISS THEM :(
So lately Ive been thinking about how unhappy I am with my life. I just pretend that Im happy with it. But Rick was in a funk today so I had to try to be really excited so that I wasnt such a downer when I was with him.
I ont even know what Im unhappy with...just life in general I guess. I'm sick of school, but I know that it I were graduating, I wouldnt be happy either, because I don't want to go out and get a real job. I still like my major, but there's one class in particular that I absolutely hate more than I hate when people leave things on the midle spinney thing in the washing machine, and I don't know what to do about the class other than skip it. Which obviously isn't a good solution, because then I'm embarrassed to go back and think the professor will just yell at me. Which he probably will. I've been emailing him, but he hasn't gotten back to me. Maybe I should just drop the class. IDK what to do.
Work has been fun, but I'm almost starting to get bored with it, because it's the same thing every single time I'm there. Somebody is stupid and pisses me off, some other people absolutely make my day, I don't make any money (in terms of serving, which really is more money than alot of people make) and then I go home suuuuuuuuper tired and exhausted and have to get ready for another week of school and do it all over again. I love my job, and I love the people I work with, but there's something about it that needs to change.
I guess I miss people at home, but when I'm at home, i wanna be back in St Cloud more than anything else, which makes no sense. My body needs ot decide where it wants to be.
My panic attacks have been coming back more and worse lately, which makes me wanna scream. On top of them coming back, I have to get on a pane in 13 days, and am considering calling for some Xanax or something so that I dont freak out and hyperventilate/pass out/puke on the plane again. That's always fun.
I miss my niece, and can't wait for my new niece to come- one more week! (Hopefully...)
My room mates all seem on edge, and I cant help but think that it has something to do with me and Rick, which would really suck, but I dont wanna bring it up, cuz they'll go beserk on me again, and how I shouldnt be with him, he's a piece of shit, etc. and I'm soooo fucking sick of hearing that. Honestly, I know how he is, and Im dealing with it. If it gets too bad, then Im out. But Im not gonna let myself be pushed around like I did in the past, and they fail to see that I learned from those experiences and take them with me everyday. It's just so frustrating.
I think more than anything, the whole situation with him is what is stressing me out and making me feel the way I do. IDK why, but its like, I just always feel a little tense when im away from him.
I just need a change. I bought a fish tonight, but that's not doing it. Mostly I felt bad for the fish, not so much that I wanted one, or that I thought it would help me feel better. I know getting another piercing or tat wouldn't help in this situation either, I can just feel it.
Anyway, I gotta go, I'm gonna work on a paper or something else constructive. Peace.

So I've Been Thinking

So lately things with Rick went downhill on Friday, and now theyre ok again. Everytime I'm with him, I just feel right. I feel like that's where I belong. I belong in his arms and when I kiss him, it feels like I should have been kissing him these past three years instead of being single. Every time I see him, I still get butterflies, and I get nervous when I do something new around him.
It scares me sometimes how fast I let myself get sooo attached to him. I continually led guys on and when someone was interested in me, I would find a way to get rid of them. When I was interested in someone, I always did shit that would push them away. I knew it would push them away and I still did it. I think subconsciously I knew it wouldn't work out, or that I really wasn't that into them. And yet, then this guy comes along, probably the only guy I SHOULD have stayed away from, and I let myself fall for him. Every day I wanna do something that will make him smile and remember how much he wants me, and when we have perfect days, when we can't stop smiling and laughing and can't keep our hands off each other, I fall asleep so happy that I had that day in my life. I feel better for knowing him, and for finding someone as understanding and kind as he is and can be (when he wants). He accepts me who I am, and I'm glad that he's the one person that I can let in past my walls. That's really a big deal for me. For the past three years, I havent let anyone in. And for some reason, when I was least trying, he got in. And I'm glad he did. :)
But I'm still scared a little ;)